Wednesday, October 14, 2009

sink or swim

I am firm believer in this notion, but once in awhile its hard to keep my head above water. I've felt myself floundering, felt myself slipping beween apathy and panic in a space of a breath. Its a strange feeling, this disconnectedness to my life. I've submerged myself in all the comforts that usually center me. I keep my hands busy every waking moment, listen to audio books and eat my favorite treats...but I can't help feeling oddly tethered. Just not to myself. My midwife asked if I was depressed and I didn't have a clear answer. I sleep most of the time now and try to be productive when I'm awake, but its difficult to get motivated for even the simplest chores. I looked around my studio today and couldn't believe how much I used to finish in a few hours what now takes days. I thought back to just a few months ago and how hard I was working and it seemed like that was a different person. Is that person on hiatus, just slumbering, waiting to emerge for when they are really needed? Or is this tired, husk of a girl really who I am now? Really, it doesn't matter, because I know this fog will burn off and I'll wake up and resume course.

20 comments:

Janet said...

This too shall pass Cynthia. You are about to have a child and are very big Im sure and uncomfortable. Your books coming out, and underneath it all you are prolly swimming in emotions and chemical changes in your body. Lots happening just now. All will smooth and become un wrinkled. And you will come into a pace again. When "he" arrives your strength will become renewed again. You will be fine little bird!
xox

Katie said...

I 'm feeling exactly the same way right now and I was also thinking have I just reached my limit of strength.Maybe its some sort of hibernation or emotional growing pains we endure to get to the next new section of our life,who knows? could be isolation that comes from working at home alot I get that,indentity issues [I'm mixed race too] could be just a general malaise in the air,hormones,so many things.

Ricka said...

Sweet girl, be gentle with yourself. Leave yourself open to possiblities. Every pregnancy is as different as your children will be.

kvk said...

Ditto what Ricka says ... go easy on yourself. Follow that deep inner knowing and the fog will clear.
blessings ...

Cynthia Thornton said...

Thanks, Janet. My rational mind knows its all the discomfort, feeling heavy, moody,etc. I just have to listen to that part!

Cynthia Thornton said...

Katie,
It is rather isolating working from home, a thing I greatly enjoy most of the time. But it probably contributes to feeling overwhelmed or under...I can't decide.

Cynthia Thornton said...

Ricka,
Those are such lovely words! Thanks so much.

Cynthia Thornton said...

Hi Kathy,

You and Ricka are right. I keep so much of these things to myself, that when I finally do mention anything, I've lost my perspective.

TesoriTrovati said...

Hang on, dear girl! You are entering a tunneling sort of time...there is a light there, an end in sight! Remember that you are not alone and that you are loved as you make your path on this incredible journey. Take good care of you...you are the only "you" there is! Enjoy the day! Erin

SharonP said...

Cynthia, I do believe this is a very normal, albeit disconcerting time in pregnancy. I remember the last two weeks of my pregnancy it was all I could do to move around and get anything done. I was so sleepy all the time and my body felt so heavy even though I gained only 18 pounds.

Treat yourself very well and know that this will pass. You need extra rest and food to get through your sweet baby's final development before he makes his debut! Good thoughts are being sent out to your lovely family!

Cynthia Thornton said...

Thanks Erin,
These past couple of weeks has been hard...and your analogy about a tunnel is feels accurate to me. Today, especially the light seems a little far away.

Cynthia Thornton said...

Thanks Sharon!
I'm trying to stay healthy and I wished I gained only 18lbs! I'm up to 155....starting at 105. I can hardly move. I am so ready to feel like me again.

Lee, Lucy, Angel Bandit, Gwinn and Harley said...

My guess is that the stress of doing your book has caught up with you, now that it's finished. That, compiled with the fact that you're about to give birth would poop even the most Herculean person out!

Hugs,
Lucy

kate mckinnon said...

Heck, Cynthia, I feel that way too right now and I'm not even about to deliver a little child. There is something in the air, I think.

I feel completely at sea myself, and am not getting nearly enough done in each day. How could it be that on some days I did the work of 14 people? And all of a sudden I can eke out maybe the work of one rhesus monkey?

Did Greg tell you that I thought of a great nom de plume for him? Og Gregden. Mysteriously he has not gone for it.

Sharon, saying that you only gained 18 pounds in pregnancy doesn't make those of us who gained 45 pounds THREE TIMES feel any love for your comment.

lisagreenb said...

Hi Cynthia!
I think that what you are feeling is definitely pregnancy related,I remember phase so well! Can't move, anything little effort throws the back out, but most of all, this is when the new baby really becomes part of the big picture because it is 'any day now!'. We never feel ready and know that we'd better tie up loose ends, get organized, but it is so hard! I was just overwhelmed and frustrated at my inability to get things done like I used to. So my advice is to relax and spend as much time as you can enjoying your family and the relative peace while you can. Also, when you get that spurt of energy again - it's time to have that baby boy!
Blessings! Lisa
p.s. I preordered your book and I am so excited!

Cynthia Thornton said...

Hey Lucy,
You're probably right, maybe it is starting to catch up with me.I guess you can't have too many late nights! Its hard to focus, but I'm trying to get as much done as possible!

Cynthia Thornton said...

Hi Kate!

I've heard other folks talk about this strange miasma getting everyone down. It really is unlike me to be so moody and tired! I remember being so different with Azalea! I had so much more energy. Now, just looking at stuff to be done warrants a nap.

Greg only wants to hear names that are traditional, even though he claims to 'be open'. I, on the other hand, make no such claims and will readily admit (especially to my family) that I will dislike almost every name until the right one is either read or spoken. Today I like Jake, probably since I'm listening to Stephen King's Gunslinger books.

Cynthia Thornton said...

Hi Lisa!
Thanks for ordering my book! I hope you like it. I am really interested how it will be received.

This time, even though I'm ready to pop, I'm really scared of the whole birthing thing. I get all nervous just thinking about it. I guess since this time has been so tough, I keep imagining the birth part will be even harder. Oh well. I'll just have to suck it up. Thanks so much for all the encouragement!

Carter said...

Hi Cynthia- Hang in there, and remember to remember that you have lots of hormones doing funny things in your body right now. That is hard to remember! I also think there is something very prevalent about these feelings right now- I'm feeling a bit of the same things myself, and it's interesting to read that so many other people are too. Maybe it's the change of the seasons? Whatever it is, accept it, take good notes, do what you need to do, and know that there will be better days. You've done a lot in the past few months. A little cocooning is good for you! Best of luck, and sending you happy energy ;-)
xoxo

Cathryn said...

Hi Cynthia,
I just discovered your work and website. Just wanted to say, that in retrospect (I am 53) I wish I had "gone with" the foggy moments more when I was pregnant. I, too, had built a creative empire and was so used to driving myself forward that it felt ridiculous to feel and sit like a queen ant. But you are being called upon to do just that.
Blessings.

Cate