Thursday, October 22, 2009


Hello! Here's a pic of Azalea, Suni and I, lined up at what looked like the entrance to another land. The weather here in Asheville is so perfect right now, too lovely not to go out and enjoy it. Things are looking up (thanks to all who sent blessings my way) and I'm beginning the next stage of this tumultuous experience. I guess its surrender. I've stopped fighting the impulse to wallow and just let myself do it. I sat there, acknowledged the pain and swollen limbs and accepted that this is temporary. That so much is ephemeral and too fleeting, that these moments will serve to heighten the happiness, by its contrast. This is a known thing, a proven thing, but the truth in this is sometimes easily overlooked. It has taken a few wise folks, to gently remind me that this will pass and all will be well. So, I let go of my guilt (guilt at my lack productivity, guilt for not making more for the baby, guilt for letting Greg do so much....) and let myself be. Which led to an unexpected project... I made something for Azalea, something she's long asked for, but I never had the time to make. I let her help me, giving her small tasks and let that time, quietly crafting together in the afternoon sun, be just for us.

11 comments:

Alice said...

Good for you! But don't feel bad if you slip back into these same feelings every once in a while!

Sweet photo!

mairedodd said...

this is so perfectly wonderful... as i am sure you have learned from a growing azalea, everything is temporary... moods, phases, etc... just be open and accepting of yourself... great you let go of the guilt, it is so self-destructive - and you are such a constructive person - even when you aren't being 'productive' or letting your husband help... it's what you put out into the world and pour into your family... glad you enjoyed that beautiful day and have that treasure of a picture to keep as a reminder...

Gaea said...

You are being so productive on the inside! It takes a lot to grow whole other person! You and Azalea look so beautiful! Just being there is what matters most!

Gardanne said...

You are such a good mom.

Janet said...

Awww yes Gaea is so right..."it takes alot to grow another person"! Sometimes we have to just wear the coat of what we are feeling until it passes. Some things emerge then quickly fly away...Nice woodsy knoll there lol x

Cynthia Thornton said...

Alice,
It is hard not to feel jumbled! Today, I weighed myself at the midwives office and found I gained another 3 lbs in less than a week! What the heck! This, after limiting sweets to one piece a day and no more sweet tea! Hmmm, I guess steaks are not fat free!

Cynthia Thornton said...

Mariedodd,
I do like that picture, it was such a nice day. The idea of things being temporary has really affected me as an artist, so many of my choices have been made for their 'permanence'. Like using egg tempera- its supposedly one of the oldest paint forms, retaining its true colors hundreds of years later. Or making my pieces in metal, far more permanent than resin and even that is long lasting. We are surrounded every moment by reminders of how short life is, how quickly we diminish and yet it is so easily forgotten! I totally agree with you, it is what we put out into the world!

Cynthia Thornton said...

Gaea,
Thanks, that's so sweet! Although I think my girl is the most beautiful in the whole world! It is so important to be 'present'....

Cynthia Thornton said...

Gardanne,
Thanks! I try to be a good mom! My mom is pretty great, so I think I had a good model to learn from.

Cynthia Thornton said...

Janet,
You both are right. I am not altogether comfortable with feeling out of control, or even not myself. But, for now, I will wait this out.

kate mckinnon said...

What a gorgeous dress and what a beautiful girl Azelea is.

Cynthia! I just got my copy of your NEW BOOK TODAY and I'm stunned at how much there is. This is not a book that can be absorbed in one sitting, or three, or ten. I'm just amazed at what you did.
Wow!

Gorgeous beyond belief.
Kate